The greatness of the man’s power is the measure of his surrender.”― William Booth
LIFE IS…
This is the first of what I suspect to be many journal entries and flows in my life.
After hitting rock bottom, I am finally acknowledging that just when we think we have life all figured out, we don’t know that much at all.
Surrendering is a completely new area of growth for me.
As a rebellious man by nature, giving up control has never been easy. I guess going through some of life’s toughest transitions in a short time span will force you to surrender.
After my unexpected divorce and suicide attempt, I surrendered to the very thought that maybe we were put on this world for a reason, and it’s certainly not for power, greed, or lust.
While those very things can make our lives amazing, they can also be the death of our very existence. After I left the Marines, I was lost. Stuck in a world where I was too proud to ask for help.
I was angry, manipulative, and controlling.
Of course, I did not see or know any of this at the time. Looking back, that control I had was from a place of fear. Who would I be if I let people know that I needed help and was scared? Would I be loved for not being the strong Marine? What would happen if I let go of control?
I resisted everything in my life until I lost everything.
Because I had fucked up my life so bad, I had no choice but to surrender and seek help.
I’m scared of the future, but worrying about the future has no place for me these days. Today, I don’t look at surrendering as a form of weakness, but a form of strength.
I believe in a higher power. Whether it be a god or the universe, I do believe that something is out there. I guess after coming face to face with death, you kind of think differently. I am admitting that I am powerless over many of the things that forced me to hit rock bottom.
These demons are still very much part of who I am, but they do not define my life anymore.
So here I am, at 4 am on a Monday, surrendering to the fact that life is hard. It’s filled with heartbreak, death, and many other transitions that force us to look through a different lens.
GK